Teh Most Epic Self-Insert Fic Eva!
by Outlaw Team
Summary: This was something I thought of when I saw how terrible quite a few self-insert fics are. If I used my self-insert, there would be too many lemons to comprehend, so I used my friend's self-insert. Note that this is not meant to be a serious story. This was written terrible on purpose for a laugh. Please enjoy the utter stupidity! Labelled angst because that is now what my friend is


**So here it is! The basic plotline of a self-insert story! You're welcome people!**

* * *

So, it all started with an argument.

A stupid argument.

"Ray! You made a self-insert, now you need to write a fanfic about him!" My counterpart Ronald claimed.

"No. My self-insert is overpowered, and was made that way only to cover up plot holes. He is not having his own story." I simply went back to editing the lemon crap Ronald forces me to edit for him.

"Then I will write it!" Ron countered.

And that was basically the argument.

Now I am in a bed I don't recognize, and I have the weapons I have only dreamed about. I grabbed the dual blades and put them on my cyan hoodie jacket, and I placed my shotgun and revolver combo on my belt. When did I start wearing a belt? I have no idea. I don't wear belts because I don't wear jeans. I wear sweatpants. Seriously, where the fuck did I get a belt? I open the door and head for whatever stupid RWBY related adventure Ron has planned for me.

"Hey, Reagan! How's the lord of epicness today?" My neighbor asks.

What the actual fuck.

Someone just shoot me, I am begging you.

I open my mailbox in hopes that I can find some hint to what I need to do. I can go back to my long school hours and computer editing once the plot was over hopefully. I grab the one letter that is inside and begin to read.

_Reagan Perez, we will keep this short to not delay your time, as you have a lot of things to make epic. You have been invited to B(e)acon to finish your long quest for huntsman status. Please join us at your leisure. Signed, Professor Ozpin._

I can feel my eye twitch.

What. The. Fuck.

"RON! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" I yell.

"Nuh uh uh! I am the author of this story! I am technically the god of this world at the moment!" Ron responds from his place above the clouds. "And since when did you learn to cuss? Aren't you too collected to do so?"

My rage only builds.

I breathe deep and begin my trip to Beacon. (Bacon? Why the fuck did the letter say Bacon?) Well, if I am the over-powered character I designed, then I can just call in an airship from nowhere. "Airship! Come!"

* * *

I run around like an idiot. I have to find the plot, or I will never get out of here!

To make things worse, every girl I run by seems to swoon at me.

I am a Christian mind you, so I am not taking advantage of nobody. I finally make it to the cliffside and stand on one of the launching platforms.

Ozpin explains the rules and prepares to launch us.

"Reagan is the most awesome and handsome person in Remnant, so he won't be getting a partner. He is simply too awesome for you people," Glynda adds.

Did…Ron just make me get complimented by Glynda of all people?

And you people thought I was insane when I said Ron's fanfics suck…

I feel myself get launched. Well shit, I never made my insert capable of flight did I?

Of all the things I didn't put on my character, the most important one is the one I lack…

I hit the ground and dust myself off. At least I am invincible, something I couldn't be happier about. I am surrounded by Beowolves. "Boo."

They all scatter in an attempt to get away except for one.

"What?" I ask it as it stares at me.

It comes over to me and starts cuddling me.

Now I have a pet. "I will call you Toto."

The Beowolf agrees and starts following me.

Seriously, I made this insert to cover up plot holes, and all I have done is make them.

This sucks.

I somehow plot hole my way to the forest temple and grab my relic before plot holing my way back to the cliff edge. "Let me guess. I have set some kind of world record?" As stupid as it may sound for me to ask this, it is normal for the OP fanchar to accidentally set a world record.

"Like ZOMG you did!" Glynda answered.

I proceed to drop to my knees and pound my head into the dirt.

Why does this have to happen to me!?

After three hours of suffering, I get the directions to my dorm and proceed to head in that direction. I could have been reading RWBY fanfictions right now, but here I am inside of one.

God damn it, Ron.

I like being powerful and have everything being open to me, but this is a little much. Just when things couldn't get any worse, I see them.

Team RWBY.

"Ron! Don't you dare!" I curse.

It was going to happen.

Pairings.

"Hi, I'm Reagan." I introduce myself, but not of my control. "Excuse me for a second." I run into a random room. "Did you just make me talk!?"

"Yes," Ron answers smugly.

I hate him. I fucking hate him. I walk back out. "Sorry about that. I was having an argument with someone over the phone."

"I didn't see a phone…" Ruby said shyly.

My God.

It is like talking to a puppy…so cute…

I excuse myself to the other room again. "Ron! Are you messing with my mind now!?"

"No, Ray. This one is on you."

Shit, he knows too much! Wait, does he also know about… Shit! He can read my mind while I am in his fanfics! Nonononono!

I step back out. I may as well ruin all chances of what I presumed Ron was planning.

He knew my two favorite characters, Ruby and Weiss, and was going to pair me with one of them.

It's chance ruining time!

I act a little too smooth as I take a hold of Weiss's hand and kiss it gently. "Who is this beauty that enchants my every thought?"

Yeah, that should ruin all chances with her.

"W-Weiss," Weiss answered.

No! No! Stop it, Ron! Stop making her fall for me damn it!

I am **not** going through with this! I push her rudely aside and give Ruby a soft peck on the cheek. "And I can't forget about his young lady either." There, I messed with both of their heads and exhibited rudeness beyond anything I would ever have been willing to do.

This should definitely save me from shipping!

* * *

I flop into my bed with a groan. I look at the two phone numbers in my right hand before tossing them onto the desk I was provided.

Seriously, why is my dorm so flipping huge?

As much as I love space (my brother can back that up), I have no personal items to put into the empty room. I could play basketball in this room without worrying about breaking anything for dust's sake! Oh dust. Now I am using RWBY fanfic talk…

Quit messing with my head! First you ship me, and now you make me a fucking dorm king!

I look back at the phone numbers on the desk. I finally caught up with what was happening.

Ron just put me into a love triangle.

I open my luggage and change into a tank top and polyester shorts. I can't help but look at my now bulky muscles.

Maybe this isn't so bad after all! Still weird though, but if things keep going on like this, I am going to enjoy it!

I use my god-like powers to summon myself some material items and began to spend the rest of the night playing COD: BO2 Zombies. Hey, I am a self-insert character, I don't need to sleep! I am a demi-god! I hear a knock on my door. I check the clock to find it is 6:00 AM, way too early for me but normal to most. I open the door.

* * *

I gasp for breathe and close the door after a few hours of autograph signing. Apparently I am now a famous singer.

The fuck.

I feed Toto the plot hole pet and scratch behind his ears. Once I am certain he is fine alone, I grab my books and head for class. I cringe when countless bits of information flashes before my eyes. "The hell, Ron!?"

"I forgot you know nothing about these subjects so I programmed it all into your head," Ron answers.

"All of it!?"

"You are the OP fanchar, you need to know everything."

I sigh and go to classes. I wonder if I can plot hole past class? I have never been easiest to teach, and I already know everything so it shouldn't be a problem. I blink when I am back at my dorm. Looks like I **can** plot hole my way around stuff.

"Stop that! You need to give the readers something to read!" Ron cursed.

I can't help but grin. I finally have a trump card! I start to head for the door. "Time to find the plot so I can get out of this mess!"

"If you keep plot hole-ing, there won't be a plot!"

I cringe.

He's right, and no plot means no going home.

I notice a note stuck to my door. I reach for it, but Ron tries to hold me back.

"T-that's not important at all! Move on!" Ron orders.

I grab the note anyway.

_Reagan Perez, this is well…Reagan Perez. No doubt you are suffering through whatever my friend puts you through, as you were made with my personality and memories. Note that you are not the real me, and you will **not** be returning home. Do whatever you please, as no plot is going to break you out of this._

_Eternally suffering next to this idiot,_

_Reagan Perez_

I crumble the note. "You lied to me."

"Y-yeah…"

"So I am not real, that means I die once you finish this story."

"Well yeah… I don't even know how the real you was able to write that in…"

I smirk. "One life, no afterlife."

"Yeah."

"I can be as immoral as I please." I grab my weapons and head out the door.

"What are you doing?"

"Proving I am not the real Reagan. I am going to fuck someone." I can literally hear Ron smile.

"Yes! I have broken you! Not the real you, but I finally got you to do something wrong!"

"Hi Ray!" Ruby greets me.

Oh my dust, I can't believe how much Ron fucked up my head. I grab her hood and start dragging her to my dorm. "We need to have a 'special talk'."

"Is it about cookies?" Ruby asks innocently.

"Yeah. And milk mostly."

* * *

I wake up in another bed I don't recognize. "The fuck happened now, Ron?"

"You plot holed again."

"Oh shit. I fucked up time and space didn't I?"

"Well, during the time you mind was in a haze, the ultimate evil arose and you plot holed it out of existence. Technically that means you finished the plot and had to be moved on to another story."

"A haze!? How did my mind get messed up?"

"You bashed your head against the headboard during your…'special talk'."

"Oh. What story am I in now?"

There were plenty of loud noises and arguing before an answer came.

"Hey, Ray. This is the real you. As disappointed as I am about your behavior-"

"That was Ron's fault!"

"-I have decided to give you a second chance. You will do as you were intended to do, cover up plot holes. This is LVDR, the project you were originally made for."

I take a good look at myself. "Why am I a kid now?"

"Just go up North until you find Asylum. I will give you further instructions."

"Ok."

* * *

Ron was backing away from his computer. "Ray? What are you doing?"

Reagan laughs maniacally before pulling out the blade his self-insert's blade was based on. "I am going to break you!" He swung the blade. "-like a KitKat bar!"

* * *

**Yeah, Reagan actually did beat me up for this, but it was worth it! SOOOO worth it!**


End file.
